Relationships101 - Happiness

Picture the scene! You get up in the morning and you are all excited. Today you are going to conquer the world. You make a 90^º turn and you see someone standing there. It is your spouse. As great as you are feeling, your spouse is feeling the exact opposite. What happens next?

Amazingly, for some or other reason, it is generally more likely for a grumpy person to win the day than the happy person or at least at that moment. The reason being that the happy person will in all likelihood say the not-so-right thing and there goes the happy moment. We forget too quickly that we are all human and very vulnerable. Happiness needs work from the self while unhappiness, even thought possibly self-inflicted, does have the external factor to it. We thus flip into “negativity” much quicker than the other way round.

So what is the correct way for the happy one to influence the seemingly grumpy one. Firstly, always understand that the other person often is but a reflection of oneself. A couple are two halves of one and it is important that the whole remains intact. I am sure everyone would rather be happy than sad. Your contribution to happiness starts with that solidarity and oneness. We ought not to live with mere expectation but rather strive to be a positive contributor. Let the finger pointing stop,  take a deep breath and calmly tell yourself “he/she will not spoil my moment/day”, then proceed to radiate your calming and positive energy. Feel for the other person with the objective to get them to snap out of it quickly without uttering the command.

Uttering the command is dangerous. Rather, find the root of the issue as quickly as possible and one of two things should follow. Your assessment, genuine and accurate, is important. How serious is the other’s issue? Suggest that you will help in some way, remember be genuine. If you are really not able to help, be consoling and suggest ways to resolve it. Perhaps buy time to find the solution because you may want, in the meantime, to have a little fun.

You are in a relationship and it is important to realise that happiness must include both parties. Building an understanding helps one be happy and happiness shared is happiness doubled. Living your “own” life while in a relationship cannot lead to real happiness unless the relationship is like a brick.

We all, or many of us rather, have the habit of provoking the other party or sometimes we may actually misread a situation. Restore the better situation as quickly as possible and don’t blame the other for an argument or the fact that the other had the “wrong” reaction. Be conciliatory and best, in a quiet moment, to discuss these issues even using hypothetical examples and many times the offending party will realise their mistakes.

Happiness is to draw someone into the circle. When they are not ready then make the circle bigger. Be inclusive and happiness will endure.

Long may you all find happiness.

 

Relationships101 - Marital

 

“He is in love”, how can you miss it, that broad smile, he is simply floating. No doubt the scene for many a youngster and then the not-so-young can easily at a point get hooked too.

This is a scene you find early on when boy meets girl. They marry and are all so happy. Awesome – everybody deserves to be happy. Anybody who stays in one house long enough will tell you that over the years the amount of junk they collect is enormous. The occasional spring cleaning helps but most times it takes a move from one house to another to decide to leave this pile of junk. Our lives, the emotional side of it, is really not that much different. Over the years we collect a fair amount of “junk” through various factors such as work stress, financial stress and physical neglect. The “he is in love” smile has most likely developed into a snarl.

The very many factors that lead to this situation are lost on many, but remedy can indeed still happen. Most people forget that life has its phases and this realisation can help in trying to stay on top of things. There are obvious guidelines that can help realign the emotional side to remain neutral/positive. The aim should obviously be to avoid negativity. Emotionally, we are all in need of spring cleaning but there is one rule that applies always: Don’t throw away another’s junk. Be it physical or emotional or a combination thereof, each one is responsible for his own junk and he/she needs to come to terms with that. The whole idea is to create an environment to facilitate this. Most wake up too late and start the finger pointing, finger wagging bit. The truth of the matter is that the buck stops here – The “I” factor – rather it should be the “eye” factor. Look yourself in the eye and address yourself as to why the situation is what it is and why is it not a few notches better. What was your role in the matter and be adult enough not to shirk responsibility.

We look at the political landscape and we find much finger pointing and very little, if any, indication of people taking responsibility. So, place yourself in that position and then decide whether you would have responded better than a politician in any particular case. Now, beam back to earth and your house and household and put up your hand as one who have been out of line. Pardon, humbly, those around you who you think have also wronged and don’t hold them responsible for the past – let it be. The day you got married, you promised your spouse that you will do this and that and at best you did “thi”, not even “this”, let alone that. Look deep inside yourself and draw the strength to set yourself and your family on a new path. Be the leader.

Relationships are fraught with dangers – but we need to be aware of that (another discussion, another time). Perhaps we need to be mindful of one or two things before we depart (although perhaps you will come back and read my next blog J ), make very few promises, but those you make, keep them. And a promise you need to make, is to build relationships that will last and commit yourself to find solutions when the GPS (of the heart) is offline.

Now do a good deed and like this and spread - Love

Routine

Routine is good! Routine is bad! Can the same person feel differently about routine and can there only one emotion attached to routine.

Let us explore this and so we go all the way back to the reason for routine or not.

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” - Albert Einstein

The Oxford dictionary defines routine as “a sequence of actions regularly followed” 

So then in reality this last statement is in contrast to Albert Einstein’s comment quoted earlier. The opposite of routine is irregular. This does not bode well for trying to achieve something because irregular actions will lead to irregular results. Understanding Einstein’s statement correctly means simply that a set routine will always return the same results. If you are finding your results all over the place then you do not have a routine since irrregular activities results in irregular results. Achieving the same results all the time may not necessarily be bad, but you are not improving and for most people they are either stagnating or regressing because of frustration.

So how does all this relate to success and what does one have to do to gain success? Longer-term success means that one is able to stand on one’s own feet unaided. Short-term success is when as an example you achieve something aided like a kid standing for the first time aided by an adult but falls down immediately when left alone. So, doing the same things over and over again will always give you the same results, but with some help you may achieve something more. So in part it is to consult, seek a mentor, a teacher, a guide to take you to the next step because you have achieved something already necessary for success and that it routine.

The next step is to understand the steps in the routine and assess whether that needs improvement.

There are many questions that may arise:

What about my personality type?

Does my education and qualification have anything to do with my success?

I am getting older so it is unlikely that I can do more

And the list goes on...... we will address some of these and other issues in due course.